Can Women Rape Men?

I was scrolling through my timeline on Facebook when I came across a post. This post was by a man who claimed to have being raped by his then girlfriend. As I read on the graphic details I was immediately giggling at the ridiculousness of what I was reading. ''How can a man be raped by a woman?'' I asked myself. I proceeded to finding out more about female-on-male rape and I was astounded by how much I found. Apparently, I owe that man an apology.




When the word ''rape'' is used, traditionally, the mind begins to arrange and play out a certain stereotypical scenery; where you have a male(usually the perpetrator) and a woman(usually the victim, and sometimes also seen as the instigator). The male-on-male rape instances have also creeped in into our socio-cultural definitions because of increasing acceptance of homosexuality across different cultures(It's been officially legalized in many western countries). So its only rational to think there would be people(gays) who find other people of the same sex attractive and thus exploit their weakness and take advantage of them sexually. But to include a female-on-male rape into the same category provokes responses the victim(s) may find stigmatizing. And rightly so, why? Because female-on-male rape is under-reported. So the general perception is: a man can't be raped by a woman!

 

People often ask: How is that even possible? How does he attain an erection under duress? Does he just lay there and do nothing while the lady is on top of him? Truth is, it can happen just like that! Victims who have recounted their experiences admit to being ''powerless'' against sexual assaults by females. They also admit to have little or no control as to what happens during the act. The woman is the dominant character here! What could induce this kind of powerlessness you may ask? Studies have shown alcohol, drugs, stress, fear and/or a sub-built stature play major roles. Some victims have admitted to being threatened into it and/or bound against a bed post or structures strong enough not to allow them wriggle free.

What about the erection? Shouldn't they first be aroused? Simple answer: no. A man doesn't have to be aroused before he can have an erection.  According to an article written by Roy J. Levin and Willy Van Berlo at the Journal of Clinical Forensic Medicine, slight genital stimulation or stress can create erections ''even though no specific sexual stimulation is present.'' ''An erection does not mean that the man consent to sex. Males can get erections even in traumatic or painful sexual situations, and this does not also indicate consent.'' Male erectile response is involuntary, meaning that a man need not be aroused for his penis to be come erect; mechanical stimulation is all that is necessary. Arousal and stimulation are not the same thing. Stimulation is a PHYSICAL RESPONSE to stimulus, while arousal is a response to ''excitement.'' Men can be intimidated into an erection, especially if the person is older or an authority.
 
Even with these facts people still struggle with the absurdity of a female-on-male rape, branding the victims(males) as ''weaklings'', ''not men enough'', ''girls'' and ''disappointments'', thus forcing them to not report the crime, remain reclusive and battle with the physcial, emotional and psychological effects of their experience which could range from depression to suicide. And what does the law say about rape in general and how does it view female-on-male rape?

According to Section 357 of the Criminal Code, CAP 77, LFN 1990 defines Rape as ''Any person who unlawfully possesses carnal knowledge of a woman or a girl, without her consent, or with her consent, if the consent is obtained by force or by means of false threats or intimidation of any kind, or by fear of harm, or by means of false or fraudulent representation as to the nature of the act, or in case of a married woman, by impersonating her husband is guilty of an offence called rape''

From the above definition of rape its obvious there's no thought spared for a scenario where a man is the victim, whose carnal knowledge is being possessed unlawfully. Every attention is centered on the female while the man, by default, is seen as the perpetrator. Gender roles portray the man as the stronger of both sexes and thus only rational to accept he possesses the ''might'' to carry out such a heinous act. Guess a review of our laws are needed.

So to answer the question: can a man be raped by a woman? a big fat yes! But don't expect anyone to walk up to you and admit it. Just like any rape event, victims are traumatized. And they are also plagued by social stigma and disbelief in their victimization. It is noted by Dr. Maeve Eogan (Medical director of the Sexual Assault Treatment Unit (SATU) of Rotunda Hospital) and Ms. Richardson (Sexual Assault Forensic Examiner) that male victims tend to feel more intense anger than female victims, while both go through similar feelings of distress after the rape. Frazier (1993) studied 74 male and 1,380 female rape victims. She found that the depression and hostility are more profound on male victims immediately post-rape than female victims.

In conclusion, the male is just as much sexually assaulted as the females. Though not as prevalent(not helped by the lack of reporting), still it is an accepted reality. And just the way the female gender is being protected by law, the male should be given judicial protection too. I have a female friend who usually jokes about raping me whenever we're playfully throwing punches, maybe I should start taking her seriously.



Below is an detailed account of a female-on-male rape, you'd find others here.

 “I must have said no a thousand times.”

Being raped by a woman isn’t cool and you aren’t “lucky”.

When I was 21 I was raped by the girl who was my girlfriend at the time. … The worst day of my life was when she decided to tie me up. She told me all the dirty things she was going to do to me while she kissed my neck and whispered into my ear as she tied my arms and legs down to the bed. Everything she said she was going to do was normal to me (suck me, ride me) so I let her tie me up. After I was tied up she asked me to try to break free and offered a reward to me if I could. She said she would be back and if I wasn’t free then I would miss out on the reward.

She came back and stood at the door and stared at me. She then told me how I wasn’t going to be rewarded because I couldn’t get out. She then told me she was going to punish me. Long story short, she ended up sodomizing me with her vibrator. I must have said no a thousand times. I was crying and begging her to stop which in hindsight probably made it worse. I was anally fucked, then she tried to ride me but I couldn’t even get up. I was so broken emotionally and in pain physically. She then got very mad that I couldn’t get it up which was never a problem. I was beaten for a while. Then the vibrator again while being hit. It lasted about 6 or 7 hours but felt like it was a dozen. For a while she just left it in me while she went in the other room to watch TV.

It was mid day when she tied me up and had been dark for a few hours after it was over. I ended up falling asleep tied up. I think I just passed out more from exhaustion of trying to break free/get her to stop. I woke up and I was untied in bed by myself. …

I ended up calling the police, which was the best decision I had ever made. The second I called them she calmed down and started to behave. They got there pretty quickly. Of course once they were there she played the damsel in distress and claimed that I was beating her up and choking her, etc. I told the cop everything that happened, which was embarrassing but worth it. They arrested her and she was jailed. … I had the option to press charges but ended up choosing not to after consulting with my lawyer.

Being raped has ruined my life for the time being.

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Big Big Girl; No Cockroach!!!!

Okay so of recent I have had my two most humiliating experiences ever. I do not know your embarrassing moments, but I believe its a far cry from mine. Errm, I did not fall inside gutter, its dry season. It was the day I shouted 'Daddy ooo, come and kill cockroach' over a  phone conversation with this weirdass friend of mine who delights in every opportunity to make me look stupid. I do admit this time around it was not his doing am scared of roaches; creeping, crawling things I won't even go near talk less of to kill a roach. I would simply gather my strength and excuse the room. The worst thing is when they fly, and once I hear the buzzing of wings I fly out o with everything I can lay my hands on; pillow, blanket, mobile phone, books(I sleep with books beside my bed) and anything else and find myself lodging in the parlour for the night.
Don't bother, if you like talk and talk about how I'm scared of a mere cockroach, I won't listen to you. If you help me kill it fine if not then preach on pastor.

Anyways this particular evening I was having a warm tete-a-tete with this friend when I saw one of those fat brown things slinking on the wall, very close to my head. For a brief moment there I lost every thread of logical reasoning and I screamed "daddy cockroach!!!" 
I only came back to the room when my dad (knight in shining armour) came to the rescue. Somehow I found my phone, thankfully, on the bed - not with a smashed screen. The shock, however, came as I realised the call was still on and putting the phone to my ear I was assaulted with harsh laughter, laughter so cruel I had to end the call. The guy nor gree rest o, charming wizard. He had to call again to enjoy bouts of laughter at my expense.. So sad.

Well my second most embarrassing moment was when I almost nose dived or scubadived out of a moving vehicle all because I had spotted a friend cruising a private ride. Still do not know what came over me that day. Maybe it was out of pure exhaustion, or hunger, or boredom which came with being in a gridlock for over an hour. All I know is that seeing that friend in that car was the switch that turned on my madness. If not for my colleagues who held my legs, hands and another my head, I probably would have been history(so they say). After that incident you should have seen the wicked stare I got from my male counterparts. You see, they have been asking me out since I nor gree and this was all the leverage they needed to get back at me.

You could imagine how shocked I was when I got to the office and everyone retelling the story of how Ebose nearly killed herself because of man, man wey nor even send am. In fact, according to them, the guy after my dramatic display simply tapped his partner informing him of how he had used me to his fill(haba!). But I bore it with great faith, even the Bible says "diverse persecutions will arise".

P.s: I have a friend whose sentiments towards roaches are extreme. Last session her wardrobe was infested and you should have seen us that day. It was epic. It was jumping from one bunk to the next; insecticide vs roaches vs tears. Lol. Me I stood by the door laughing my eyes out.

Author: Cherylb for Eric Mbogu's

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Struggles: Our Battle With Discontentment

Never before in history have so many people had so much, yet felt so dissatisfied.

Some sociologists point to technology and social media as significant factors in our constant unhappiness. We are the first people in the history of the world who can peek inside the lives of others in real time. We carry tiny media powerhouses in our pockets that let us voyeuristically follow other people around, through all of their check-ins and pictures and video clips.

And if what we’re seeing in the lives of others seems better, more interesting and more fulfilling than our own lives, we feel like we’re missing out. Of course, that feed we’re watching may not necessarily reflect the whole reality. Most people generally put their best foot forward, showing you only the things they want you to see. Photoshopped and cropped, filtered and edited, what we see online makes our own reality seem dingy and dull.

No wonder we often feel so dissatisfied.

No matter how much we have, it can’t compare to what we need the most.

Perhaps no one has understood this better than the Apostle Paul. When Paul was in a prison in Rome, he wrote about his experiences and what he had learned. He basically said,

“I’ve gone without the things that I need before. But I’ve also had times when I had more than enough. Life happens in seasons. I’ve had good seasons where everything was going well, and I’ve had hard ones where nothing went my way. But through them all, I’ve learned that there’s one secret to being content: I can do anything and everything — not by my own power — but through Christ. Jesus gives me the strength to handle anything that comes my way.”

You will always battle with discontentment until you let Christ be all that you need.

You can chase after everything you’ve ever wanted and get it all. It won’t be enough. At the end of the day, every day, you’ll still feel empty. 

Read:

Philippians 4:11-13
Colossians 3:15-171 
Timothy 6:6-7
Psalms 100:1-57 

Author: Craig Groeschel, from #Struggles: Following Jesus in a Selfie-Centered World

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15 Differences Between The Boy You Date And The Man You Marry

This article originally appeared on ngalive.com 

When you’re dating a guy, it’s easy to think he’s perfect. You’re in a love haze, so be careful because there are definite differences between the boy you date and the man you marry. It’s true that people can change, so don’t ditch a guy just because he seems like a slacker at first. It’s okay to give him a chance to prove himself. However, if you don’t eventually see some of these characteristics, don’t be afraid to dump him and move on to someone new. If you’re young and having fun at this point in your life, it’s okay to date around and have flings, but before long you’re going to want to settle down, so make sure you do it with a quality man, not an immature boy.

1. The boy you date asks you to “hang out,” which involves less commitment than a date. He wants to have fun with no strings attached.
The man you marry asks you out on dates and is clear about his intentions with you. He wants to be with you and wants you to know where you’re headed.

2. The boy you date talks with you about people you know from your past, or pokes fun at that guy at the bar, or only shares funny stories because he can’t connect on a deeper level.
The man you marry can hold a conversation with you about books, movies, music, and other common interests. This makes for a more substantial relationship in the long run.

3. The boy you date will say he never wants to get married or have kids, and nothing will change his mind. Don’t try–this is a red flag that he’s not Mr. Right!
The man you marry might change his mind about wanting to marry and have kids after he’s met you.

4. The boy you date hears your attitude, takes it personally, and starts firing it right back at you until it spirals into a major fight.
The man you marry can handle your attitude and talk you down from a ledge. This is especially important when you have major life crises or a bad day at work.

5. The boy you date calls you mean and immature names to make himself feel like a winner.
The man you marry fights fairly. He doesn’t call you names or use physical force, no matter how angry he gets.

6. The boy you date cares too much about looks, and will tease you for looking sloppy until you fix yourself back up to his standards.
The man you marry understands that everyone has good and bad days as far as looks go, and won’t hurt your feelings or love you less if your weight fluctuates or you have a bad hair day or forget to shave for awhile.

7. The boy you date will say “I’m sorry” because he just wants you to cheer up or stop nagging him. He says “I love you” because he doesn’t want to lose you, even though he doesn’t really feel the meaning of the words.
The man you marry will say “I’m sorry” because he honestly is, and he never meant to hurt you with his words or actions. He says “I love you” because he truly means it, and wants you to feel that love every minute of your life.

8. The boy you date will expect to have things done for him because that’s what his mom did, and that’s what other girls have done for him, and he doesn’t have to take care of himself.
The man you marry will know how to take care of himself: how to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, and more–because he’s already a man. It’s important for people to have this figured out before they’re ready to marry, which is a great way to tell what type your guy is.

9. The boy you date doesn’t want to meet your friends because he just wants to be alone with you all of the time.
The man you marry wants to hear stories about your friends until he can meet them and get to know them himself.

10. The boy you date well, you’re too embarrassed to take him to meet your parents, not that he’d ever bring it up himself.
The man you marry wants to meet your parents, and impresses them when he does.

11. The boy you date is always the one you fantasize about marrying, because he’s cute and all you do is have fun together (until the first big blow-up…).

The man you marry is never a sure thing. You hem and haw over if he’s right, if you should settle down with him, if your relationship can make it long term.

12. The boy you date doesn’t listen to you or fully engage in conversations. He nods while you talk, then changes the subject or just tells you what you want to hear.
The man you marry cares about what you have to say. He wants to know your thoughts and opinions on anything from major issues to tiny moments from your day.

13. The boy you date runs at the first sign of trouble because it’s too much drama for him, and he doesn’t want anything tying him down.
The man you marry sticks with you through tough times because he’s committed to you and the relationship, and wants to see it through to the end.

14. The boy you date doesn’t reach for the check, and huffs if you ask him to split the bill with you.
The man you marry pays when he takes you out, even after you grab the check and insist five times that it’s your turn to pay.

15. The boy you date never gives you security. You don’t know how he feels or what he’s up to when he’s not with you, and your friends might even have money riding on how long you’ll last.
The man you marry will make you feel secure. You’ll always know he loves you, you’ll be able to trust him, and you’ll know that you two can make it through anything.

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SITUATIONSHIP

I never knew there was such a thing as that(situationships) till I became a victim. In my very naive knowledge of relationships; it was simply, you are in a relationship, or out of a relationship or not in a relationship with a person. And now I have learnt that human relationships are not so simple after all and it's possible to be lost in-between - not actually knowing your status.

You see, both of you are officially not dating and somehow he has been evasive in that regard but unofficially you are a couple; attend functions together, talk for hours about everything and anything, you know him down to the colour of his boxers, you've got this special name for each other, the intimate touches, whispers of sweet nonsense, how much he likes you and how thoughts of you drive him crazy.

Hmm...you carry on and all your defences are melted. You fall in love with this guy and it's the real deal, yet the relationship goes on undefined. People talk, and soon enough your friends start blabbing and this time you pluck up courage to finally ask: 'Bae, what exactly are we doing?' And with a very straight face he tells you. "What are we doing how? We are just friends"

Just friends!! Tell me, won't you wanna kill that guy?!

Author: CherylB for Eric Mbogu's Blog. 

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CHILD ABUSE: PRISON OR DEATH?

''I just want him to die in prison because of what he did to me''.

Those were the words of an 8-year old girl from Southern Nigerian who was
sexually abused numerous times by Larry, her neighbour. She is currently battling
infections in a recent case of sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse is a form of child
abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation or
activity.




Child sexual abuse has become one of the major health and human right
challenges in Nigeria. Cases of child sexual abuse have increased drastically over
the years. The National Demographic and Health Survey observed that cases of
sexual abuse reported to law enforcement agencies in Nigeria are far less than
the unreported cases. In 2013, the News Agency of Nigeria reported that over
1,200 girls were raped in Cross River and most of them were underage. Lagos has
reported 12,200 cases of rape in the last 3 years, minors being the major victims.
Reports also show that only a few cases of rape receive diligent prosecution.

Child sexual abuse, one of the ravages of society, has numerous and often fatal
consequences on the victims as the victims could be very young (Lagos State
Police recently indicted a man for the rape of his two daughters, aged 4 and 6).
Some of these children are exposed to sexually transmitted disease such as
HIV/AIDS (In July 2015, a retired soldier was found guilty of raping his 10-year old
stepdaughter and infecting her with HIV). Also, childhood sexual abuse has led to
cases of depression, self-blame, eating disorders, anxiety, dissociative behaviours,
repression, denial, and destructive sexual and relational behaviours.
Post-traumatic stress disorder has also been reported. Visiting a therapist should
be the second step in treating a child who has been sexually abused, but
therapists seem to be lacking in Nigeria.


On June 3rd, 2015, the Nigerian Senate approved life sentences for rape of
children aged 11 or less. This raised outcry from respectable members of the
public who insinuated that the age should be 18 years and not 11 years. The point
is we all know how the Nigeria legal system is, and that these sentences are not really carried out.
In Lagos, 3,083 sex offenders were asked to engage in community service as a form of punishment in an attempt to decongest the prison environment. This can only be described as a travesty of justice. The life sentence imposed on offenders seems not to be stringent enough as the cases of child sex abuse have failed to drop but have, rather, risen in the past few months. The violation of an underage child is a monstrous and murderous act and should be treated as such. These children are supposedly the leaders of tomorrow and yet the state cannot provide adequate security, or appropriate punishment.
 
In 2009, Rachael (not her real name), aged 11, was gang-raped by two of her neighbours and left unconscious. The case was tried in the court and the men were imprisoned. It was a hellish time for her and her family as she spent weeks in the hospital trying to recover. The worst happened when her doctor announced to her mother that she would never be able to have children or even engage in intercourse without immense pain. For two years, she constantly had nightmares and suffered from severe insomnia. It was a time she wanted to forget forever. Despite all these pains, she was able to reasonably rise above it all and lead a normal live, finally ready to put the past behind her. That was until October 2014. As she was walking through the streets of her neighbourhood, she saw him; one of the men who had raped her. Instead of remorse or regret, what was etched on his face as she walked by him was a smile of mockery. Since then, her nightmares have returned, and the fact that the people who ruined her life are walking the streets hurts her every time she thinks about it. I wasn’t shocked when she said she wished the police had killed them instead; not necessarily because of what they did to her, for she probably would have forgiven them with time, but for the countless young girls out there who are at risk.

''I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid. What is more, those who choose not to empathise enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.” – J. K. Rowling

Those are the immortal words of one of the most beautiful minds to ever walk the earth. Anyone with a soul should not find it difficult to relate to the adversities of these young girls. The fact that even inmates ostracize child molesters in prison goes a long way to show how obscene this act of violence really is. For this reason and many more, I, Samuel O. Okotie, would like to propose the death penalty for all those found guilty of child sexual abuse. Only when drastic measures are taken, can one expect to have drastic changes. The case of child sexual abuse will continue to increase in Nigeria unless the legislature sits now and make a choice; prison or death. For me I’ll choose death for them because they deserve it.

Author: Samuel O. Okotie for Eric Mbogu's Blog.

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Domesticities: The Art Of Being Domesticated

Oh the joy of womanhood; except it is not my joy. At present I am in that little corner of my room, where I always go to indulge my literary fancies  especially with choice author Jane Austen and her ever romantic plots; when 'mammy' walks in, takes a glance over through the length and breath of my room before fixing her fierce gaze on the human huddled in one corner with a book on her lap.

Immediately I scrambled up, discarded my book for the time being and with as much seriousness as I had attended Jane Austen, I now applied in putting things in place; instantly the clothes disappeared from the bed and appeared in the wardrobe, books stood, neatly packed in book cases and the make up I had toiled with all afternoon had to be kept in place. But as soon as I heard the door close, I let the bedspread already in mid air drop from my hand and very quietly I continued my Jane Austen.
It has always been like this, especially the weekends when 'mammy' comes home from her station. The announcement would ring like a bell in our house 'mummy is coming today o!' And as if on cue, we all leave whatever it is we are occupied with and instead concern ourselves with the appearance and state of the house . It is not unusual to catch me in the act of surveying a room time and time again, intensely making note of what is and what is not in place, what needed to be removed and what should be put back from wherever it was removed from, all for 'mammy's grand entrance. If not, prepare yourself for a tirade of lectures on the duties of a woman, and the ever occurring phrase "like it or not , you would be a wife and a mother soon".
In all honesty that 'wife' word scares me. Believe me dudes and dudettes when I say I love marriage, everybody does and yes I do talk about it for hours with girlfriends and of course I have my dream wedding on ink, but the thing is, that domestic aspect intimidates me. I do my things with patience (my time and my pace). I hate waking up 5a.m; I am in a lustful romance with my bed (say what you like), I don't fancy the obligation of constantly visiting the kitchen to prepare meals, hey I can eat once a day or feast on snacks, as long as I avoid that kitchen as much as possible. Must we eat three times a day sef, wetin?
And then I already have a time washing my basket of dirty clothes only for him to add his own and those of the small chickele  pikins.
Now tell me that load of office shirts is not for my ironing pleasure?
Laugh out loud, forget the things I say I know the truth and I can't run from it, and as 'mammy' is fond of saying 'you should have told God to create you as a man'. So look left, look right, turn around and sit down, domesticites is the joy of womanhood.

Author: Ebare Ebose for Eric Mbogu's Blog. 

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